Ticking clocks

Well, it has been quite some time since I last posted. It has also been quite some time since I came home. Today, it's April 9. I left Jan 16 or so. Meaning I've been back for almost 3 months.

For those curious, you can say, for all intents and purposes, that I am feeling better. The past number of days especially have been marked by an anomaly of sorts: the lack any minor headaches. It's rather wonderful, actually.
. . .

I start work tomorrow. I have about 1 month yet before I am hoping to return to Senegal. I hope to make productive use of whatever is left of my time in Canada. But, ultimately, it is my hope that I will be given the opportunity to go through the process of this internship, to feel the warmth of an internship completed, of the process (from start to finish) undertaken. Only then do I know I will be able to make an informed decision about what I'll do following the internship.
. . .

The last number of months have been trying. There are a lot of questions still unanswered, questions that will remain unanswered really, at least in their complete sense. Like, why did it happen when it did? Why has recovery taken SOOOO much longer than times previous? Was there something I was supposed to change? Or was it really meant to be simply a time to stop and reflect. I've done lots of that, hoping that that is enough for this particular moment of my life. My feeling tells me I want to complete the thing I started, because the key is the process. The process from beginning to end will provide far more clarity on where and how so my passions lie. Hoping for that to be the answer to all of this, I wait with a certain level of tense excitement to go back. To tackle the issues, to work through the cultural differences, to get to the heart of the matter, to find out the golden nuggets of people's honest communications. To go back to the 50 degree weather . . . okay, maybe not so much that! aaahhh!
. . .

I am looking forward to work. I have been idle for so long. (you can tell, just look at my bank account!). I am looking forward to the way I hope it will teach me to take charge of what I'm doing and how I'm doing it. It will be a useful developing of a skill that is weak for me in some ways.
. . .

Whatever. I'm still in my car. Still stopped. Still looking at the scenery. Still waiting to know if it's left, right, or go. Meanwhile, the time on my car clock keeps ticking. Looking at it drives me nuts sometimes, makes me feel I'm making purposeless use of the gas in my car, just idling there in one spot. It's the distraction that makes looking around me difficult. The itch that makes sitting still, sitting patiently frustrating, and if not that, then a bit disappointing.
. . .

But I've been told to sit and look. So that I'll try to do.
If it helps you, you're welcome to sit with me.