I was reflecting briefly on how a tear or a drop of water travels. Such a small amount of water, yet such a long distance. As it gives out, it reclaims. Something so simple, and yet the equation to figure out what distance it will travel based off how large it is, the humidity in the air, the friction of the surface it is traveling on. Hmmm.
. . .
I wonder how something so simple as my internship turned into something so incredibly complex.
I think about my interests, my faith, culture, cultural change. Of how I feel I connected with my co-workers, and yet that connection never went beyond the rare invitation to someone's house for dinner. Perhaps 3 or 4 times throughout 6 months. I’m not sure I’d want to live on that for much longer. It’ll have to go further next time.
I feel like I could embrace a new culture, that I could thrive in one, really. But, I need to find work that makes me want to be there.
Perhaps that's the essential behind all of this. Exciting about culture and change, yet frustrated, bored, and self-judging about my work. Likely, I'll need to figure out work before I figure trying to figure out a new culture.
. . .
I think of some of the people I'm leaving behind. I will miss certain co-workers as well as friendships made along the way. Even some in the villages themselves, despite the lopsided reasons behind them. Both sides have been using each other for their own means. I perhaps didn't see that I was doing that, but I certainly felt like they were doing that with me. But, I can't deny that this was a mutual using experience.
I think I'll be more content when that 'using' ends and true relationship can form. That requires time and interest, both of which were at times lacking throughout the internship. Everything, I think, just seemed so surface-y. That's probably the greatest dimension that frustrated me.
And yet as I go, I know that I found depth in a few, unexpected places.
Betty.
The family that moved into my place October and November.
A few of my co-workers, with the passage of times.
Learning to joke (giving away my sister for marriage at the extreme price of 70 cows - never got them, so they never got my sister . . . at any rate, I say goodbye to a few ex-brothers in law as a result! ah ha ha h)
Even myself. Learning to let go, to open up, to live out instead of inside all the time.
. . .
As I go, it's the lessons I learned not the results gained that I personally will value the most. I think that's all that matters now. I look to do better the 2nd time round, wherever and whenever that might be.
. . .
I'll see everyone in just a few days.
. . .
(caught in the middle . . . but working towards a particular side as I slowly move along)
Alex
Monday, November 26, 2007
Friday, November 23, 2007
Somewhere in the middle
There is a song written by Casting Crowns. I think it sums up the spirit of my heart and mind at present. If you get a chance to listen to it, it's a fantastic song. '
. . . deep water faith in the shallow end, and we are caught in the middle . . . The God we want and the God who is, but will we trade our dreams for His, or are we caught in the middle . . .'
. . .
I have 1 week left before leaving. Despite the craziness, I've finally found a few moments to simply reflect. Although, really, I'm tired of thinking. A job like this, with so few clarifications (it seems) has made me pretty tired.
It seems like the greatest point of frustration for me over the past 6 months boils down to a feeling of not having been given sufficient feedback from the people I would have expected it to come from. Freedom created a lot of problems for me because I had very little sense of 'what is supposed to be' or 'what I'm supposed to find out'. With so little feedback, I don't think I ever found myself believing that what I was doing was going in the right direction.
I understand very clearly now what is meant by 'institutional arrangements, norms, perceptions, and behaviours' towards the environment. I have less of an idea of whether or not that is even what World Vision Senegal wanted me to find out and whether or not it's good enough.
Some of the hardest points have been times when I feel people are really excited about knowing about what I've learned, and yet I've never really believed that much of what I was doing was going to be bringing anything new to the table. It comes down to a sense of people's expectations towards you being higher than you believe possible to fulfill. You might want to, but the time you have to work with just doesn't feel long enough to get beyond everything that was difficult in order to show some quality work at the end of the day.
It's hard to explain exactly to what extent I believe I 'figured things out'. This has certainly been an internship where it was what I made it. Just, I think I've learned more about what not to do. . . .
. . .
All this said, there are a lot of things that I'm very proud of. I am proud of having taken charge of my own internship part way through the month of August. Most of my village level work was done, however, around that time. So, that will look oddly in the end.
I am proud to look back and realize some things that I do and don't like. I am much more aware of my own needs while overseas. I am proud of some of the ways that I positively started to respond to the culture that I found myself in. That positive response, mind you, was built on a few factors, and factors which remain as clues to me: funky clothes, having some cool conversations with people in the city, being in the city, having a lot more structure built into my work (looking to others for answers instead of having to find them myself), and relating better to a few co workers - also linked with simply engaging the language a bit more (the language really helped facilitate some things, and I see it as a key to engaging any culture I might tackle in the future).
I'm proud of whatever it is that I figured out on my own. I'm proud for having accomplished simple things like arranging my own schedule for the workshops, of creating the translated template of the workshop exercise, of learning through the workshops, of working on the fly for the report of 1 of the 2 workshops. I have no idea, mind you, of whether the report template is the one I was supposed to use . . . and neither is there yet a report for the 1st workshop. It'll come.
I'm proud of taking charge of arranging things like my own transportation when World Vision was not able to do it for me. I'm proud of having worked on many days that World Vision staff were not.
I'm proud of sticking to a schedule because my work required me to, even while the rest of the staff enjoyed a few days of a "Stress Management" workshop! I know I should have been there! . . . ah ha ha.
Essentially, it took me a long time to get over being too frustrated with my work. The ambiguity was killing me. Still is, but I adjusted at least somewhat to it so as to at least try to start to make some concrete decisions. I was still left with the problem of whether or not the questions I was asking, and the ways that I was doing things was effective or appropriate. But, I eventually stopped caring as much about that as well, blaming it on a lack of feedback. There comes a point, basically, where you stop blaming yourself and simply try to move on. I can say I'm mostly there. There are a lot of things with which I just raise my hands and say, 'I'm just learning, I guess'.
Just, to me, that's not the best way to learn. At least, I don't think so. Another big thing is that I never expected work to be so much about, 'Here, do this, but we won't tell you how it's supposed to happen'. Examples: the workshops, the report writing to the workshops, the follow up to the workshops. Essentially, I'm just making stuff up as I go. And I don't ever believed myself to be doing that in university. Thus, my work was justified. I've found myself needing to justify my work, and then simply assuming that it is therefore justified.
Again though, to be fair, part of it has to do with the scheduling, circumstances, and lack of time. November has been crazy, October was all over the place, and then there wasn't enough time to prepare for the workshops, it seems. July and August I was mostly on my own, so that by September I made myself be on my own.
Whatever. For all the things I've worked through, I just think life and work can be done better than that. And believing that, I judged my work inadequate. I did. No one else. And I think I still will on a certain level. But, apparently, I'm not sure how much I need to feel personally responsable for poor performance if there are never any indicators to work with or not enough feedback.
Meh, whatever. I'm sure most of you don't care. I'm just processing. Bear with me.
I'll see you guys in a week.
. . . deep water faith in the shallow end, and we are caught in the middle . . . The God we want and the God who is, but will we trade our dreams for His, or are we caught in the middle . . .'
. . .
I have 1 week left before leaving. Despite the craziness, I've finally found a few moments to simply reflect. Although, really, I'm tired of thinking. A job like this, with so few clarifications (it seems) has made me pretty tired.
It seems like the greatest point of frustration for me over the past 6 months boils down to a feeling of not having been given sufficient feedback from the people I would have expected it to come from. Freedom created a lot of problems for me because I had very little sense of 'what is supposed to be' or 'what I'm supposed to find out'. With so little feedback, I don't think I ever found myself believing that what I was doing was going in the right direction.
I understand very clearly now what is meant by 'institutional arrangements, norms, perceptions, and behaviours' towards the environment. I have less of an idea of whether or not that is even what World Vision Senegal wanted me to find out and whether or not it's good enough.
Some of the hardest points have been times when I feel people are really excited about knowing about what I've learned, and yet I've never really believed that much of what I was doing was going to be bringing anything new to the table. It comes down to a sense of people's expectations towards you being higher than you believe possible to fulfill. You might want to, but the time you have to work with just doesn't feel long enough to get beyond everything that was difficult in order to show some quality work at the end of the day.
It's hard to explain exactly to what extent I believe I 'figured things out'. This has certainly been an internship where it was what I made it. Just, I think I've learned more about what not to do. . . .
. . .
All this said, there are a lot of things that I'm very proud of. I am proud of having taken charge of my own internship part way through the month of August. Most of my village level work was done, however, around that time. So, that will look oddly in the end.
I am proud to look back and realize some things that I do and don't like. I am much more aware of my own needs while overseas. I am proud of some of the ways that I positively started to respond to the culture that I found myself in. That positive response, mind you, was built on a few factors, and factors which remain as clues to me: funky clothes, having some cool conversations with people in the city, being in the city, having a lot more structure built into my work (looking to others for answers instead of having to find them myself), and relating better to a few co workers - also linked with simply engaging the language a bit more (the language really helped facilitate some things, and I see it as a key to engaging any culture I might tackle in the future).
I'm proud of whatever it is that I figured out on my own. I'm proud for having accomplished simple things like arranging my own schedule for the workshops, of creating the translated template of the workshop exercise, of learning through the workshops, of working on the fly for the report of 1 of the 2 workshops. I have no idea, mind you, of whether the report template is the one I was supposed to use . . . and neither is there yet a report for the 1st workshop. It'll come.
I'm proud of taking charge of arranging things like my own transportation when World Vision was not able to do it for me. I'm proud of having worked on many days that World Vision staff were not.
I'm proud of sticking to a schedule because my work required me to, even while the rest of the staff enjoyed a few days of a "Stress Management" workshop! I know I should have been there! . . . ah ha ha.
Essentially, it took me a long time to get over being too frustrated with my work. The ambiguity was killing me. Still is, but I adjusted at least somewhat to it so as to at least try to start to make some concrete decisions. I was still left with the problem of whether or not the questions I was asking, and the ways that I was doing things was effective or appropriate. But, I eventually stopped caring as much about that as well, blaming it on a lack of feedback. There comes a point, basically, where you stop blaming yourself and simply try to move on. I can say I'm mostly there. There are a lot of things with which I just raise my hands and say, 'I'm just learning, I guess'.
Just, to me, that's not the best way to learn. At least, I don't think so. Another big thing is that I never expected work to be so much about, 'Here, do this, but we won't tell you how it's supposed to happen'. Examples: the workshops, the report writing to the workshops, the follow up to the workshops. Essentially, I'm just making stuff up as I go. And I don't ever believed myself to be doing that in university. Thus, my work was justified. I've found myself needing to justify my work, and then simply assuming that it is therefore justified.
Again though, to be fair, part of it has to do with the scheduling, circumstances, and lack of time. November has been crazy, October was all over the place, and then there wasn't enough time to prepare for the workshops, it seems. July and August I was mostly on my own, so that by September I made myself be on my own.
Whatever. For all the things I've worked through, I just think life and work can be done better than that. And believing that, I judged my work inadequate. I did. No one else. And I think I still will on a certain level. But, apparently, I'm not sure how much I need to feel personally responsable for poor performance if there are never any indicators to work with or not enough feedback.
Meh, whatever. I'm sure most of you don't care. I'm just processing. Bear with me.
I'll see you guys in a week.
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Coming to a close
I can actually say, 'sadly', even if it's a bit conditioned.
I have 11 days left here in Senegal. The last 3 months have had a different feel , definitely the last two, and certainly this last one.
The first 3 were the hardest.
Not surprisingly, it was the time when I was in the villages the most. Whereas the last 3, I've been in and out sporadically.
But, as I promised to myself and others, I've waited to make conclusive judgment.
With 100% truthfulness, I am thankful for the process, glad to have gone through it.
If you want to enjoy a culture, you have to be willing to engage it. And, if you're me, you need to have a bit of your own in order to step away from it for awhile. That's a principle lesson I learned.
It's not necessarily working overseas that's hard. I think, for me, it was simply the 'working' part. And then it was made harder being overseas. But, I understand my own needs and preferences a lot more as a result of this internship.
But enough of this talk . . .
I was in the market today. My Thiya have caused quite a stare in the city. In fact, I sort of wish I had discovered them a lot sooner. Then turn the attention from 'give me money' to 'look at that white guy with thiya (pronounced, btw, CH eye ah. I actually have no idea how it's supposed to be spelt . . . ! ah ha ha ha).
While in the market, I bought my bananas and oranges. And then I walked past some Peules who stopped me and asked about my Thiya (of course, they asked in Peule, and thus I understood nothing). I showed them my Thiya. They showed me theirs. It was quite interesting, since they have knives attached to the sides of theirs. Being nomadic, they carry these knives around, I guess in order to defend themselves and for any necessary killings.
And now, I have a knife at my side. Alduma Ba give it to me. I have no idea who he is, where he came from, how old he is. Only that I took an interest in the knife (with the full intention of looking for one in the market today when I go to Kaolack). And then he showed it to me and proceeded to give it to me . . . Needless to say, I was a bit 'embarassed' you could say. More accurately, it was a confusion on how to respond appriopriately. A total stranger. A knife. Certainly not too expensive, but a gift all the same. And all I had was 5 oranges and 2 bananas I had just bought (along with a slew of pens, markers, cahiers, my laptop, my MP3 player, cell phone, wallet etc etc etc. But these were in my backpack. And I can't really justify to WV that 'yes, I gave him my laptop with all my research on it because he gave me his knife'. I'm not sure that would've been well received!).
So, I gave him the fruit. It was all I had that I felt I could appropriately give away.
Someone stepping out to offer me a gift first without ouright expecting something in return. That, I believe, is partially cultural. He refused the fruit 3 times before finally accepting it. Just, I felt I had to respond then and there for I will very likely never see him again. Just, it was finally the gesture I would have wanted to received from so many here in Senegal. Give me your 'hand' in friendship, unconditionally, not attached to my money, and I will give you mine in return.
It was a unique moment, and a very memorable one certainly.
. . .
I now have 3 Thiya. 2 Thiya sets (thiya with bou bou) and one Thiya just by itself (the green ones - John would know what I'm talking about). There's a Christmas party on December 1. I will be there, and I will be wearing my Thiya . . .
. . .
In the course of this internship, a part of me has been left in the sandy soils that are the heart and soul of the Senegalese 'poor'. Just, while materialistically poor, I will atest to the fact that they will do their best to give you their best.
For we the 'lofty', comfortable, and unconscious, it is hard to come alongside them in their fields and get our hands dirty. (we isn't we here, if you get me). But, if we can overcome the hurdles, and we invest in their individual or collective capacities, I think very positive transformation is possible.
Personally, I'm still a hung jury. The idealism of the past has been questioned by the very apparent reality. Just, I'm not sure I see poverty as a lack of means as much as it is a broken will to try, an inability or refusal to risk.
My workshops have wanted to bring people to the point where they start questioning why they believe they can't and why they don't believe it could happen.
The first workshop got stuck before it arrived. I learned a lot from it.
The second workshop, I pray, will succeed in different ways from the first.
The report will merely be a recollection of the lessons I learned during these past 6 months. Perhaps the format will be nice and professional, but I'm hoping to personalize it just a bit. We'll see what freedoms WV affords me when I return home.
. . .
And now for home and beyond. I hope not to stay too long, if I find the good fit for a next step. Otherwise, I might get stuck sticking around.
But, at any rate, truly, I am looking forward to the cold, coffee, snow, and snowboarding.
. . .
Thanks for reading all through this time. Thanks for your prayers and your support.
. . .
It's come to a close faster than it needed to.
See you in a bit.
I have 11 days left here in Senegal. The last 3 months have had a different feel , definitely the last two, and certainly this last one.
The first 3 were the hardest.
Not surprisingly, it was the time when I was in the villages the most. Whereas the last 3, I've been in and out sporadically.
But, as I promised to myself and others, I've waited to make conclusive judgment.
With 100% truthfulness, I am thankful for the process, glad to have gone through it.
If you want to enjoy a culture, you have to be willing to engage it. And, if you're me, you need to have a bit of your own in order to step away from it for awhile. That's a principle lesson I learned.
It's not necessarily working overseas that's hard. I think, for me, it was simply the 'working' part. And then it was made harder being overseas. But, I understand my own needs and preferences a lot more as a result of this internship.
But enough of this talk . . .
I was in the market today. My Thiya have caused quite a stare in the city. In fact, I sort of wish I had discovered them a lot sooner. Then turn the attention from 'give me money' to 'look at that white guy with thiya (pronounced, btw, CH eye ah. I actually have no idea how it's supposed to be spelt . . . ! ah ha ha ha).
While in the market, I bought my bananas and oranges. And then I walked past some Peules who stopped me and asked about my Thiya (of course, they asked in Peule, and thus I understood nothing). I showed them my Thiya. They showed me theirs. It was quite interesting, since they have knives attached to the sides of theirs. Being nomadic, they carry these knives around, I guess in order to defend themselves and for any necessary killings.
And now, I have a knife at my side. Alduma Ba give it to me. I have no idea who he is, where he came from, how old he is. Only that I took an interest in the knife (with the full intention of looking for one in the market today when I go to Kaolack). And then he showed it to me and proceeded to give it to me . . . Needless to say, I was a bit 'embarassed' you could say. More accurately, it was a confusion on how to respond appriopriately. A total stranger. A knife. Certainly not too expensive, but a gift all the same. And all I had was 5 oranges and 2 bananas I had just bought (along with a slew of pens, markers, cahiers, my laptop, my MP3 player, cell phone, wallet etc etc etc. But these were in my backpack. And I can't really justify to WV that 'yes, I gave him my laptop with all my research on it because he gave me his knife'. I'm not sure that would've been well received!).
So, I gave him the fruit. It was all I had that I felt I could appropriately give away.
Someone stepping out to offer me a gift first without ouright expecting something in return. That, I believe, is partially cultural. He refused the fruit 3 times before finally accepting it. Just, I felt I had to respond then and there for I will very likely never see him again. Just, it was finally the gesture I would have wanted to received from so many here in Senegal. Give me your 'hand' in friendship, unconditionally, not attached to my money, and I will give you mine in return.
It was a unique moment, and a very memorable one certainly.
. . .
I now have 3 Thiya. 2 Thiya sets (thiya with bou bou) and one Thiya just by itself (the green ones - John would know what I'm talking about). There's a Christmas party on December 1. I will be there, and I will be wearing my Thiya . . .
. . .
In the course of this internship, a part of me has been left in the sandy soils that are the heart and soul of the Senegalese 'poor'. Just, while materialistically poor, I will atest to the fact that they will do their best to give you their best.
For we the 'lofty', comfortable, and unconscious, it is hard to come alongside them in their fields and get our hands dirty. (we isn't we here, if you get me). But, if we can overcome the hurdles, and we invest in their individual or collective capacities, I think very positive transformation is possible.
Personally, I'm still a hung jury. The idealism of the past has been questioned by the very apparent reality. Just, I'm not sure I see poverty as a lack of means as much as it is a broken will to try, an inability or refusal to risk.
My workshops have wanted to bring people to the point where they start questioning why they believe they can't and why they don't believe it could happen.
The first workshop got stuck before it arrived. I learned a lot from it.
The second workshop, I pray, will succeed in different ways from the first.
The report will merely be a recollection of the lessons I learned during these past 6 months. Perhaps the format will be nice and professional, but I'm hoping to personalize it just a bit. We'll see what freedoms WV affords me when I return home.
. . .
And now for home and beyond. I hope not to stay too long, if I find the good fit for a next step. Otherwise, I might get stuck sticking around.
But, at any rate, truly, I am looking forward to the cold, coffee, snow, and snowboarding.
. . .
Thanks for reading all through this time. Thanks for your prayers and your support.
. . .
It's come to a close faster than it needed to.
See you in a bit.
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