Take time to do what you're doing. Do it well, to the best of your abilities.
The life lesson? . . .
Take time to stop doing what you're doing and THINK about what you've done. Reflect on what it means.
I never gave myself nor took that time. For whatever reason. Perhaps I thought I wasn't allowed. That I was supposed to know already.
Given my last post, I'm working hard to just let the past be the past and to learn from it. But, it's tough because I see leads now that I don't think I saw really before. Nor did I give myself the time to prepare adequately in order to pursue them even if I had.
A lesson learned in time.
I now strive to apply the lesson for the workshops and, hopefully, gain from that lesson.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Simplify
For the next two months, let's say, for all my wonderings and all the issues of the past, and all the blogging I was going to post this weekend:
I will work hard to live in the present for the next two months. Not wallowing in the past or stressing about the future. Just a day by day, focused pursuit of clearer goals I've set for myself within a timeline that makes more sense than the one previous . . .
I will work hard to live in the present for the next two months. Not wallowing in the past or stressing about the future. Just a day by day, focused pursuit of clearer goals I've set for myself within a timeline that makes more sense than the one previous . . .
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Reflections
Shout outs to everyone back home. This is attempt number two of this message. We'll see if the internet doesn't get stupid on me.
I'm currently in between Joal Fadouith and Mbour. Just north of JF. At a hotel called Laguna Beach. Was here once before just before Christmas vac last year (when I was first here, b4 I got sick).
It's a cool place to be at, but the reason for my being here this time is slightly different. This time it's work and not vac.
An African Livelihoods Securities workshop. It's actually quite interesting. Has a lot to do with both my 'work' in the villages as well as the core mentality of my university undergrad. And actually, it's quite amazing that it's not a concept that has already been adopted. And, in fact, it's pretty interesting to hear some of the ideas and comments people have. I think to myself, what? really? you think that way? Or you think it's about that? hmmm.
(essentially, for once, in some ways, with some people, I feel like I have something to contribute)
All the same, World Vision is merely trying to bring itself to a point where it should already fully be but only exists in part. It's a gigantic organization, however, and so its movements are little sluggish . . . We're good at structure, but the structure sometimes inhibits agile movement . . .
. . .
I've been sick for over a week now. Not terribly so, but enough to screw around with my mood enough not to be terribly motivated last week in the village. Things went over relatively well, though, all things considered. In fact, I also ended up staying in the village till Saturday morning for a change (instead of leaving Friday morning or afternoon). This past Friday, too, was the start of Ramadan, so I took part in la jeûne (the daily fast). We woke up at 5:30 to eat some breakfast (the khad) and then I didn't eat or drink until 7 pm Friday. Meanwhile, I had been sick since Tuesday. But, I watched myself, and if it had been a problem (especially the not drinking part) I would have resumed eating and drinking. As it was, I survived, although I thoroughly enjoyed my Café Touba and bread at 7 pm.
. . .
There are a lot of things I've learned and accepted over the past number of weeks, as well as tried to move on from. I've realized and accepted a lot of the weakness and flaws of the approach that I designed. Running between villages every week and not giving myself time to talk and discuss and reflect on a village experience are probably the two major weaknesses. At times, I could say there's been a lack of support from certain staff, but really, it doesn't quite work out that way. At least, they can't be blamed. Everyone is entitled to their vacation, and I went into this internship knowing that everyone was going to take one. Really, what it boils down to is me not 'just figuring it out' as best as I think I should have. Whatever.
All the same, I guess it waits to be seen how WVC and WVS reacts to my report. There will be plenty to write about, in terms of the basic information learned, ideas explored, and the process undertaken. For all of these things, I'm thankful, and at the end of the day, I could care less whether it's 'good enough'.
Rather, what I would like to see out of myself is a narrowing focus towards that area of development that intrigues me, excites me, engages me, suits me the most. God is present everywhere. God's love can be shared everywhere, in different ways, and with whomever. What I'm only beginning to toy with in my mind is the idea that whether I'm here or home, 'evangelism' equals relationship and that, like all good relationships, they take time. Meaning, it won't be possible, I don't think, to simply 'throw gospel' in the short term and then walk away. Very truly, it will be an investment on my part. It will be relationship that takes time. The only reason why it hasn't had to be that (on some level) is because in every environment previous that I had found myself, it was always understood to be a short-term thing. Eventually, however, that won't be the case.
So, unless I want faith living to somehow be a job more than a side role I constantly play in my everyday living, then, ya, I'll need a job. And voilà! There's one staring me in the face.
. . .
Well, sort of. I'm still trying to figure out where exactly I fit in this mess called development. I think I'm beginning to like it, even if I don't necessarily all that is a part of my internship. The concept is exciting, and if I can figure out at least in part the work, then I think I'll be pretty energized by the whole thing.
On another note, I'm losing a lot of friends to friends. I know that there is now only a handful of us who are single amongst the larger group. I just learned of yet another hook up just this evening.
Hats off to you all. Sounds exciting. I think I'm realizing that my time will come once I figure out where I want to be, what I want to be doing. And God knows that unless that is there, some of that 'other stuff' doesn't necessarily make a lot of sense for me just now.
But man, YOU'RE ALL CRAZY!!! ha ha ha
. . .
Don't forget to go out for coffee with me every now and again (if ever I'm in country)
. . .
So, I've been thinking lots about where in development I might want to be.
I've been thinking a bit about what circumstances need to be in place, what specific subjects I like, what I would need in order to survive, to make it work.
Some things I'm willing to admit:
1 Villages? Ya, no. At least, not for very long term. At least not totally by myself. Without knowing the local language. Without really getting my subject matter. Without letting myself just go with it versus judging myself to death.
2 I think I prefer being in an urban area all the same. Or within close proximity. It’ll be better for my health, given its risks. It’ll be better for access to services. Perhaps I’m just preferring to stay comfortable. That’s part of it. But part of it has to do with the things I believe I’ll find in the city that I’ll be able to relate to.
3 Food – it needs to be generally stable for me otherwise I go crazy
4 Resource management still interests me, because I think the protection of the environment is a pretty crucial aspect of global existence. However, to what extent that would require me to live in a village somewhat has me. If I can find a way to reconcile the city with NRM, then we might be good to go.
5 In light of that, I’m trying to take a look at Urban or Peri-Urban agriculture. On the fringes of a city, perhaps, yet still addressing food security issues. Who knows. That might be cool. Or perhaps there’s another subject entirely different. The idea of working overseas interests me; the idea of getting all caught up in a big gigantic organization doesn’t entirely, especially if it has to do with trying to use tools that for the moment I feel prevent me from really connecting with people. I dunno. I don’t believe in PRA quite yet, despite still knowing it’s what I need to do. I’m sure once I get it better, then I’ll be more open to the approaches.
Newho, the next time I write, I’ll try to give a sense of some things I’ve seen or cool culturally things. We’ll see.
Good to chat with some of you tonight, despite the constant loss of WIFI connection. Alas, such is the way it goes sometimes here.
I'm currently in between Joal Fadouith and Mbour. Just north of JF. At a hotel called Laguna Beach. Was here once before just before Christmas vac last year (when I was first here, b4 I got sick).
It's a cool place to be at, but the reason for my being here this time is slightly different. This time it's work and not vac.
An African Livelihoods Securities workshop. It's actually quite interesting. Has a lot to do with both my 'work' in the villages as well as the core mentality of my university undergrad. And actually, it's quite amazing that it's not a concept that has already been adopted. And, in fact, it's pretty interesting to hear some of the ideas and comments people have. I think to myself, what? really? you think that way? Or you think it's about that? hmmm.
(essentially, for once, in some ways, with some people, I feel like I have something to contribute)
All the same, World Vision is merely trying to bring itself to a point where it should already fully be but only exists in part. It's a gigantic organization, however, and so its movements are little sluggish . . . We're good at structure, but the structure sometimes inhibits agile movement . . .
. . .
I've been sick for over a week now. Not terribly so, but enough to screw around with my mood enough not to be terribly motivated last week in the village. Things went over relatively well, though, all things considered. In fact, I also ended up staying in the village till Saturday morning for a change (instead of leaving Friday morning or afternoon). This past Friday, too, was the start of Ramadan, so I took part in la jeûne (the daily fast). We woke up at 5:30 to eat some breakfast (the khad) and then I didn't eat or drink until 7 pm Friday. Meanwhile, I had been sick since Tuesday. But, I watched myself, and if it had been a problem (especially the not drinking part) I would have resumed eating and drinking. As it was, I survived, although I thoroughly enjoyed my Café Touba and bread at 7 pm.
. . .
There are a lot of things I've learned and accepted over the past number of weeks, as well as tried to move on from. I've realized and accepted a lot of the weakness and flaws of the approach that I designed. Running between villages every week and not giving myself time to talk and discuss and reflect on a village experience are probably the two major weaknesses. At times, I could say there's been a lack of support from certain staff, but really, it doesn't quite work out that way. At least, they can't be blamed. Everyone is entitled to their vacation, and I went into this internship knowing that everyone was going to take one. Really, what it boils down to is me not 'just figuring it out' as best as I think I should have. Whatever.
All the same, I guess it waits to be seen how WVC and WVS reacts to my report. There will be plenty to write about, in terms of the basic information learned, ideas explored, and the process undertaken. For all of these things, I'm thankful, and at the end of the day, I could care less whether it's 'good enough'.
Rather, what I would like to see out of myself is a narrowing focus towards that area of development that intrigues me, excites me, engages me, suits me the most. God is present everywhere. God's love can be shared everywhere, in different ways, and with whomever. What I'm only beginning to toy with in my mind is the idea that whether I'm here or home, 'evangelism' equals relationship and that, like all good relationships, they take time. Meaning, it won't be possible, I don't think, to simply 'throw gospel' in the short term and then walk away. Very truly, it will be an investment on my part. It will be relationship that takes time. The only reason why it hasn't had to be that (on some level) is because in every environment previous that I had found myself, it was always understood to be a short-term thing. Eventually, however, that won't be the case.
So, unless I want faith living to somehow be a job more than a side role I constantly play in my everyday living, then, ya, I'll need a job. And voilà! There's one staring me in the face.
. . .
Well, sort of. I'm still trying to figure out where exactly I fit in this mess called development. I think I'm beginning to like it, even if I don't necessarily all that is a part of my internship. The concept is exciting, and if I can figure out at least in part the work, then I think I'll be pretty energized by the whole thing.
On another note, I'm losing a lot of friends to friends. I know that there is now only a handful of us who are single amongst the larger group. I just learned of yet another hook up just this evening.
Hats off to you all. Sounds exciting. I think I'm realizing that my time will come once I figure out where I want to be, what I want to be doing. And God knows that unless that is there, some of that 'other stuff' doesn't necessarily make a lot of sense for me just now.
But man, YOU'RE ALL CRAZY!!! ha ha ha
. . .
Don't forget to go out for coffee with me every now and again (if ever I'm in country)
. . .
So, I've been thinking lots about where in development I might want to be.
I've been thinking a bit about what circumstances need to be in place, what specific subjects I like, what I would need in order to survive, to make it work.
Some things I'm willing to admit:
1 Villages? Ya, no. At least, not for very long term. At least not totally by myself. Without knowing the local language. Without really getting my subject matter. Without letting myself just go with it versus judging myself to death.
2 I think I prefer being in an urban area all the same. Or within close proximity. It’ll be better for my health, given its risks. It’ll be better for access to services. Perhaps I’m just preferring to stay comfortable. That’s part of it. But part of it has to do with the things I believe I’ll find in the city that I’ll be able to relate to.
3 Food – it needs to be generally stable for me otherwise I go crazy
4 Resource management still interests me, because I think the protection of the environment is a pretty crucial aspect of global existence. However, to what extent that would require me to live in a village somewhat has me. If I can find a way to reconcile the city with NRM, then we might be good to go.
5 In light of that, I’m trying to take a look at Urban or Peri-Urban agriculture. On the fringes of a city, perhaps, yet still addressing food security issues. Who knows. That might be cool. Or perhaps there’s another subject entirely different. The idea of working overseas interests me; the idea of getting all caught up in a big gigantic organization doesn’t entirely, especially if it has to do with trying to use tools that for the moment I feel prevent me from really connecting with people. I dunno. I don’t believe in PRA quite yet, despite still knowing it’s what I need to do. I’m sure once I get it better, then I’ll be more open to the approaches.
Newho, the next time I write, I’ll try to give a sense of some things I’ve seen or cool culturally things. We’ll see.
Good to chat with some of you tonight, despite the constant loss of WIFI connection. Alas, such is the way it goes sometimes here.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
I'm leaking!
Yesterday evening, I posted a wonderful post. It was really great.
And then the power went out, the page froze, I kept on writing, and when I went to post it . . .
I have about 1/7th of what I wrote, and I'll build on it later.
Right now, I'm in the middle of an African Livelihoods Securities workshop.
Just, I wanted to let those who shouldn't be interested that I'm ill of either diarrhea or, as I'm beginning to wonder, Dysentery (a more severe form).
I just seem to be leaking fluids like crazy, and it's been virtually impossible to stop. So, it's an interesting experience.
All the same, I'm in a very comfortable environment at this hotel, and I'm also feeling far less tired today than I did tomorrow (although I wonder why, given my garuanteed loss of water and nutrients as a result of my illness . . .)
Whatever. We'll see. Overall, I'm fine. But, thought I should post on the fact that I can finally say I'm problematically ill (but only for the first time since being here . . . )
And then the power went out, the page froze, I kept on writing, and when I went to post it . . .
I have about 1/7th of what I wrote, and I'll build on it later.
Right now, I'm in the middle of an African Livelihoods Securities workshop.
Just, I wanted to let those who shouldn't be interested that I'm ill of either diarrhea or, as I'm beginning to wonder, Dysentery (a more severe form).
I just seem to be leaking fluids like crazy, and it's been virtually impossible to stop. So, it's an interesting experience.
All the same, I'm in a very comfortable environment at this hotel, and I'm also feeling far less tired today than I did tomorrow (although I wonder why, given my garuanteed loss of water and nutrients as a result of my illness . . .)
Whatever. We'll see. Overall, I'm fine. But, thought I should post on the fact that I can finally say I'm problematically ill (but only for the first time since being here . . . )
Friday, September 7, 2007
The American mission
10,000 CFA/night and I have me an apartment all to myself. Hmmm.
Rigged with a giant freezer, a huge fridge, 4 burner stove, microwave . . . microwave?!?, fully loaded rest of the kitchen, couch, TV, movies, games, books . . . wireless . . . man oh man. AC in the master bedroom. (there are 3 rooms here, with a total of I think 8 beds . . .). I am one man. hmm. I'll keep this in mind if ever my friends decide to visit me in Dakar . . . (you're all welcome. There's the 20 - 27 of October, for instance, when my sister plans on coming. Any one of you is welcome . . .
I've come home to Canada. Except, I'm smack in the middle of Dakar.
Oh, and how could I forget!?!: coffee maker, coffee, and the filters . . . ha ha ha. Jeez. I'm going to wake up pretty happy tomorrow morning.
For 20 USD a night.
Man.
I guess I'm not complaining.
. . .
Wireless. I can't get over that. I'm sitting in the kitchen, listening to Collective Soul playing on my computer.
. . .
Work has taken on so many unique dimensions. For better or for worse. In the sense of showing what I prefer or what I can handle.
I have 11 weeks left in Senegal. Already now, I'm telling you, this second half will go by much, much faster than the first 12 weeks, and especially much faster than the first 6. Mind you, the past 7 weeks, all in all, have flown by. I'm not sure how I'm going to get doing what I want to get done in only 11 weeks. There's a lot of ground to cover, but it's actually exciting because I can finally say that for the most part I at least know what I want to be doing. Whether I do it well or not is another matter, but it's less about that now and more about simply working at something, to become better at something. To learn.
By weeks, it looks like the follow:
Silane (village)
Dakar (week long conference)
Fatick (1 week of planning to make sure the next 8 happen well)
Two villages of other organizations - 2 weeks. Studying 'les Conventions Locales'
Fatick (1 week to plan the workshops)
Joal Fadiouth and the happy arrival of my sister . . . yaaaaa! Party time!
Village level workshops - 4 weeks
That's 11.
That's it.
I have 11 weeks left, and only 7 weeks left in the villages . . . hmmm.
. . .
Crystal posted that I forgot about the happy 2 hour discussion I had with her and John during my vacation. This would be true. It was a great conversation. I am glad for it.
. . .
What would be my goals for the next 11 weeks?
To not hold myself back much longer. I don't want too much more to regret.
I'm glad to be learning though, to be moving beyond my concerns.
It helps being more often in the city and more clear about what I'm doing with my work.
. . .
So, I'm not sure what to write, actually, at the moment.
. . . Stories from my vacation . . .
Anna and I 'dropped' our bikes once. We were going along just fine in the dark with 2 metres of illumination in front of us. So what that we couldn't see a darn thing. And then, whoops, down I went. The road was one level; the gravel pathway another. As much as I could totally see what was in front of me . . . (you had to be there).
So, down I went, and I'm thinking, 'Get up!!! You're gonna get run over. Plus you're spilling gas everywhere. My precious gasoline. I paid $1.20 for that! So, scrambling up I went. And over to the side in order to avoid getting smacked by Anna or by a car behind us. But Anna had gone over right after me too. So, whatever. And there weren't any cars, just my adreline pumping and myself laughing because the whole thing just brought back memories of 5 years ago in Florida . . . ah, once a dropper, always one, I guess!
. . .
Well, my friend William is arriving in a short few. It's funny. He and I are gonna have a fun time tonight (even though it's already 11:30!)
. . .
I'm out (listening to "Counting the Days" by Collective Soul)
. . .
Oh, and by the way:
Jolene: I've got your souvenir.
Crystal: your too
John: working on it although you and I have already talked a bit about things . . . smoke a little, you know . . . ha ha ha
Jozina: you'll get yours when you arrive.
Micah, Jordan, and the rest of the fam, I have ideas in mind.
The rest of you, I'm still trying to sort out. There's lots to go around. I'm just going to have to figure out how to bring it all home.
Rigged with a giant freezer, a huge fridge, 4 burner stove, microwave . . . microwave?!?, fully loaded rest of the kitchen, couch, TV, movies, games, books . . . wireless . . . man oh man. AC in the master bedroom. (there are 3 rooms here, with a total of I think 8 beds . . .). I am one man. hmm. I'll keep this in mind if ever my friends decide to visit me in Dakar . . . (you're all welcome. There's the 20 - 27 of October, for instance, when my sister plans on coming. Any one of you is welcome . . .
I've come home to Canada. Except, I'm smack in the middle of Dakar.
Oh, and how could I forget!?!: coffee maker, coffee, and the filters . . . ha ha ha. Jeez. I'm going to wake up pretty happy tomorrow morning.
For 20 USD a night.
Man.
I guess I'm not complaining.
. . .
Wireless. I can't get over that. I'm sitting in the kitchen, listening to Collective Soul playing on my computer.
. . .
Work has taken on so many unique dimensions. For better or for worse. In the sense of showing what I prefer or what I can handle.
I have 11 weeks left in Senegal. Already now, I'm telling you, this second half will go by much, much faster than the first 12 weeks, and especially much faster than the first 6. Mind you, the past 7 weeks, all in all, have flown by. I'm not sure how I'm going to get doing what I want to get done in only 11 weeks. There's a lot of ground to cover, but it's actually exciting because I can finally say that for the most part I at least know what I want to be doing. Whether I do it well or not is another matter, but it's less about that now and more about simply working at something, to become better at something. To learn.
By weeks, it looks like the follow:
Silane (village)
Dakar (week long conference)
Fatick (1 week of planning to make sure the next 8 happen well)
Two villages of other organizations - 2 weeks. Studying 'les Conventions Locales'
Fatick (1 week to plan the workshops)
Joal Fadiouth and the happy arrival of my sister . . . yaaaaa! Party time!
Village level workshops - 4 weeks
That's 11.
That's it.
I have 11 weeks left, and only 7 weeks left in the villages . . . hmmm.
. . .
Crystal posted that I forgot about the happy 2 hour discussion I had with her and John during my vacation. This would be true. It was a great conversation. I am glad for it.
. . .
What would be my goals for the next 11 weeks?
To not hold myself back much longer. I don't want too much more to regret.
I'm glad to be learning though, to be moving beyond my concerns.
It helps being more often in the city and more clear about what I'm doing with my work.
. . .
So, I'm not sure what to write, actually, at the moment.
. . . Stories from my vacation . . .
Anna and I 'dropped' our bikes once. We were going along just fine in the dark with 2 metres of illumination in front of us. So what that we couldn't see a darn thing. And then, whoops, down I went. The road was one level; the gravel pathway another. As much as I could totally see what was in front of me . . . (you had to be there).
So, down I went, and I'm thinking, 'Get up!!! You're gonna get run over. Plus you're spilling gas everywhere. My precious gasoline. I paid $1.20 for that! So, scrambling up I went. And over to the side in order to avoid getting smacked by Anna or by a car behind us. But Anna had gone over right after me too. So, whatever. And there weren't any cars, just my adreline pumping and myself laughing because the whole thing just brought back memories of 5 years ago in Florida . . . ah, once a dropper, always one, I guess!
. . .
Well, my friend William is arriving in a short few. It's funny. He and I are gonna have a fun time tonight (even though it's already 11:30!)
. . .
I'm out (listening to "Counting the Days" by Collective Soul)
. . .
Oh, and by the way:
Jolene: I've got your souvenir.
Crystal: your too
John: working on it although you and I have already talked a bit about things . . . smoke a little, you know . . . ha ha ha
Jozina: you'll get yours when you arrive.
Micah, Jordan, and the rest of the fam, I have ideas in mind.
The rest of you, I'm still trying to sort out. There's lots to go around. I'm just going to have to figure out how to bring it all home.
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
Luke 18: 18 - 30
I've always had lots of thoughts on this passage. I won't be sharing many of them with you here, mind you. Just whatever happens to come off my fingers.
Still, the verse about being willing to give up mother, father, sisters, brothers, friends, it's a pretty key idea in my mind. Despite all of my past posts, don't get me wrong. I still don't believe I've ever lost my friends or my family. Just, I haven't found too much here to replace them during the time I've been away. Or at least, maybe it's that I haven't found something deep enough to fulfill my social preferences. And again too, a lot of that has been my own doing.
Regardless, that's not the point. The point is, I will eventually come to understand that I don't think I can live for my friends or my family. None of them will be around forever. Sure, here and there, and perhaps if I stay local, more often 'here' than 'there'. But perhaps we're talking a matter of degrees? A matter of a 50 times per year versus 2. I guess with some friends it's more like 365 times versus 2, but really.
I didn't go to Montreal to study at McGill 5 years ago for some of the same fears that make me want to not get into this line of work. But, I think I need to start believing that no matter what happens, they'll always be around. Somewhere. Sometimes.
I would say then that a bunch of this has more to do with being willing to move on than anything else. The other part of it still remains, however, a matter of call and interest.
. . .
I thought a bunch more about the notion of 'calling'. I wonder who invented it. Where exactly does it come from? And why do we feel we're entitled to it? Here's what I mean: Do we think we're called to something or merely within wherever we are? Absolutely, people are called to something. I agree. But just who exactly? It seems sort of a luxury to have the option to be 'called' to something instead of just finding yourself stuck somewhere and having to make do with how things are.
That perspective comes from being here. From noticing, realizing, admitting that soooo many people in the world, it seems, don't really have an option to be 'called' somewhere. Again, it strikes me that it's more likely they be called 'within' versus called 'to'.
I am, however, grateful for those who use their freedom to choose to listen to how they might be being called. Whether it's a notion applied only to a very small number of people, and perhaps people who have a choice more than others, I'm glad there are those that think about it. (and I don't mean to make this sound like I'm being a good boy - certainly, I've wondered about why it is that I even am entitled to the choice of 'being called'. Why is it that I wasn't born anywhere else where life = Day 1: get up, pound the millet, collect the firewood, cook breakfast. Eat it. Wash clothes. Sift the rice, descale the fish, chop the vegetables, cook lunch. Eat it. Rest (perhaps). Pound the millet. Cook the sauce. Prepare dinner. Eat it. Clean up. etc. Sleep. Day 2 - 7: Repeat Day 1.
I'm glad this isn't my life, and I'm very glad that those to whom this life belongs are still able to find joy in it wherever. But ya, it's just stuff to think about.
So that's calling.
. . .
Interest exists in freedom as well. Because you actually had the choice to study X, you had the choice and time to find said internship. You have the time to still choose according to your interests, your passions.
I am grateful for that freedom, but again wonder why it is I have it and to what degree I'm using it wisely.
. . .
At the end of the day, because of rest during this vacation, because of a renewed sense of direction and a lesser focus on 'success', and because of continued processings, I'm beginning to want something: to put my head down, to shut up, and to get to work. I'm still not sure how long the drive will last if there is never the true development of depth of friendship. But in this too, I need to look more to God, less to myself, more to other potential friendships, and less to those friends back home. Absolutely, I will keep on calling home because I love to.
But you're not here, nor will you be, so I need to move on . . .
. . .
To those who have read this far:
I realize I write too much about how I feel and not enough about what I've been doing. I'll try to make the blog a little more interesting in the future weeks!
What I've been up to for the past week:
Overall, Saint Louis has been fabulous. Not without its cost, but I intended on it to be that way in order to step away from the stress, the frustration, the 'aaaahhh' of what work has been for a long time. It has moved away from that in the past number of weeks, which has been great. But I was certainly glad to have the option of leaving everything behind for the past 5 days.
I arrived in Saint Louis with Anna towards 10 pm. I spent 7 hours traveling between Fatick - Dakar, Dakar - Saint Louis. Most of it was pretty comfortable, though. I bought out 3 seats on the way to Dakar so I had plenty of space and comfort, and I was chilling with Anna on the 4 hour, stiff-body ride up to Saint Louis. So it was good.
The hotel: Need to send pictures. Spent a good chunk of change, but for the comfortable beds, air-conditioning, nice pool, and isolated location, it was well worth it.
The city: once I realized it, Saint Louis was beautiful. At first not, but I eventually found parts of it (again, still largely tourist areas) that I really enjoyed. Mostly because it reminded me a lot of Paris. Namely, I was just content to drink expressos and go to the boulangerie. Fresh baked goodies and coffee! Can't be beat.
. . .
Saturday: Anna and I rented scooters. A real hoot. 22 hours. 12 USD. Not bad. We ended up going to Zebrabar (either ZEEbrabar or Zeb brabar, depending on nationality. I never knew the English call it a zebra with a soft 'e'. So ya, we drove out to there, chilled out on a look out tower for a bit, then rode back. And this was after we toured the city for a while on the bikes.
Sunday: chilled out. Anna left by 4ish. I eventually went into town for just a bit.
Monday: This was a hotel day. I spent about 6 - 7 hours merely reading Le Monde (french newspaper - finally! Daily news from outside Fatick!) and my "Poisonwood Bible". 543 pages is now come and gone, although I didn't read all that just this week. Just about 200 pages of it. It's a great book. I recommend it. Monday night went into town. Took in the sites a bit. Found a cool restaurant. Ate some good food. Wandering around the island was a bunch of fun. Listened to my MP3 player. Did whatever. Made plans for Tuesday.
Tuesday: Was pretty fun. Lots went on. In the morning, took my time, chilled out at breakfast at the boulangerie. Then I rented a motocyclette again. This time, on going back to Zebrabar, I diverted and went to the Parc Nationale de la Langue de Barbarie. Although totally not the season for it, I went to see the birds (something that Saint Louis is popular for, along with an international Jazz festival - happens in May though, unfortunately. That would have been awesome). Took a pirogue (a Senegalese boat) and went to go see the birds. Paid for a guide who was the President of the Communauté Locale responsible for the management of the national park. Along with a union of villages, these people clean up the park, take care of it, try to improve its image to tourists and also continue to live off of it (because it's where they live!). It was fantastic to see, and I applaud their efforts. The beach was noticeably more clean than that of beside the hotel where I'm staying.
(coastal beaches can often become the public toilet. Sad, perhaps, but true and necessary at times)
Guide, ride on pirogue, rented scooter (24 hrs), and entrance to park: 25 USD.
All in all, it was a fantastic day. Then the scooter got a flat, and I was way outside the city. 1 1/2 hrs later of walking, I took the other scooter the guy rents and used that instead until 11 am this morning.
. . .
Wed: this morning. Met up with Théo, a guy from France near the Switzerland border. Hung out with him for a bit (I had met up with him by chance yesterday). Talked about what we were respectively doing in Senegal. He on vacation had spent 1 month in the villages and 1 month outside them. I, well, I've been running around all over the place for the past 3 months, still have 3 months left, and am looking forward to seeing how it all pans out.
(plus, did I mention my sister's coming in 7 weeks? And my birthday's in 5?)
There is a crazy religious festival going on right now, and I would have left earlier today, but I didn't think anyone would really be leaving until after the prayers that have just happened (5 oclockish). The major bridge to the mainland has also been closed from 12 - 5 today as well. I'm just hoping that there will be some people going to Dakar in just a short little while.
But this morning I haggled for about 15 minutes over 10 cents and about 20 minutes for about $8 USD. Just, things have their relative price, and I no longer enjoy being taken. They were both fun things to do, and now I have one crazy pair of pants to show everyone. You want to talk about colour? The BiFall, a religious brotherhood of Islam here in Senegal, they wear crazy stuff. I'll have to show you guys some pictures (or point it out in the pics I took since none of them are too direct).
NEwho, so that's been my vacation. It's been great, and tonight, tomorrow, and part of Friday, I hope to be in Dakar. I'm back to work on Friday, debating attendance on Saturday to an intensely religious Islamic revéillée (or however that's spelled) that I was invited to, and then Sunday, I hope will be a last day of rest before running headlong into the next few weeks.
But there's both focus and variation in the upcoming month or so. We'll see how it all turns out. There's a lot of work to be done . . .
Hope you're all enjoying the fresh September air. Wish I were. I'm looking forward to the December shock that will be mine in about 3 months!
Still, the verse about being willing to give up mother, father, sisters, brothers, friends, it's a pretty key idea in my mind. Despite all of my past posts, don't get me wrong. I still don't believe I've ever lost my friends or my family. Just, I haven't found too much here to replace them during the time I've been away. Or at least, maybe it's that I haven't found something deep enough to fulfill my social preferences. And again too, a lot of that has been my own doing.
Regardless, that's not the point. The point is, I will eventually come to understand that I don't think I can live for my friends or my family. None of them will be around forever. Sure, here and there, and perhaps if I stay local, more often 'here' than 'there'. But perhaps we're talking a matter of degrees? A matter of a 50 times per year versus 2. I guess with some friends it's more like 365 times versus 2, but really.
I didn't go to Montreal to study at McGill 5 years ago for some of the same fears that make me want to not get into this line of work. But, I think I need to start believing that no matter what happens, they'll always be around. Somewhere. Sometimes.
I would say then that a bunch of this has more to do with being willing to move on than anything else. The other part of it still remains, however, a matter of call and interest.
. . .
I thought a bunch more about the notion of 'calling'. I wonder who invented it. Where exactly does it come from? And why do we feel we're entitled to it? Here's what I mean: Do we think we're called to something or merely within wherever we are? Absolutely, people are called to something. I agree. But just who exactly? It seems sort of a luxury to have the option to be 'called' to something instead of just finding yourself stuck somewhere and having to make do with how things are.
That perspective comes from being here. From noticing, realizing, admitting that soooo many people in the world, it seems, don't really have an option to be 'called' somewhere. Again, it strikes me that it's more likely they be called 'within' versus called 'to'.
I am, however, grateful for those who use their freedom to choose to listen to how they might be being called. Whether it's a notion applied only to a very small number of people, and perhaps people who have a choice more than others, I'm glad there are those that think about it. (and I don't mean to make this sound like I'm being a good boy - certainly, I've wondered about why it is that I even am entitled to the choice of 'being called'. Why is it that I wasn't born anywhere else where life = Day 1: get up, pound the millet, collect the firewood, cook breakfast. Eat it. Wash clothes. Sift the rice, descale the fish, chop the vegetables, cook lunch. Eat it. Rest (perhaps). Pound the millet. Cook the sauce. Prepare dinner. Eat it. Clean up. etc. Sleep. Day 2 - 7: Repeat Day 1.
I'm glad this isn't my life, and I'm very glad that those to whom this life belongs are still able to find joy in it wherever. But ya, it's just stuff to think about.
So that's calling.
. . .
Interest exists in freedom as well. Because you actually had the choice to study X, you had the choice and time to find said internship. You have the time to still choose according to your interests, your passions.
I am grateful for that freedom, but again wonder why it is I have it and to what degree I'm using it wisely.
. . .
At the end of the day, because of rest during this vacation, because of a renewed sense of direction and a lesser focus on 'success', and because of continued processings, I'm beginning to want something: to put my head down, to shut up, and to get to work. I'm still not sure how long the drive will last if there is never the true development of depth of friendship. But in this too, I need to look more to God, less to myself, more to other potential friendships, and less to those friends back home. Absolutely, I will keep on calling home because I love to.
But you're not here, nor will you be, so I need to move on . . .
. . .
To those who have read this far:
I realize I write too much about how I feel and not enough about what I've been doing. I'll try to make the blog a little more interesting in the future weeks!
What I've been up to for the past week:
Overall, Saint Louis has been fabulous. Not without its cost, but I intended on it to be that way in order to step away from the stress, the frustration, the 'aaaahhh' of what work has been for a long time. It has moved away from that in the past number of weeks, which has been great. But I was certainly glad to have the option of leaving everything behind for the past 5 days.
I arrived in Saint Louis with Anna towards 10 pm. I spent 7 hours traveling between Fatick - Dakar, Dakar - Saint Louis. Most of it was pretty comfortable, though. I bought out 3 seats on the way to Dakar so I had plenty of space and comfort, and I was chilling with Anna on the 4 hour, stiff-body ride up to Saint Louis. So it was good.
The hotel: Need to send pictures. Spent a good chunk of change, but for the comfortable beds, air-conditioning, nice pool, and isolated location, it was well worth it.
The city: once I realized it, Saint Louis was beautiful. At first not, but I eventually found parts of it (again, still largely tourist areas) that I really enjoyed. Mostly because it reminded me a lot of Paris. Namely, I was just content to drink expressos and go to the boulangerie. Fresh baked goodies and coffee! Can't be beat.
. . .
Saturday: Anna and I rented scooters. A real hoot. 22 hours. 12 USD. Not bad. We ended up going to Zebrabar (either ZEEbrabar or Zeb brabar, depending on nationality. I never knew the English call it a zebra with a soft 'e'. So ya, we drove out to there, chilled out on a look out tower for a bit, then rode back. And this was after we toured the city for a while on the bikes.
Sunday: chilled out. Anna left by 4ish. I eventually went into town for just a bit.
Monday: This was a hotel day. I spent about 6 - 7 hours merely reading Le Monde (french newspaper - finally! Daily news from outside Fatick!) and my "Poisonwood Bible". 543 pages is now come and gone, although I didn't read all that just this week. Just about 200 pages of it. It's a great book. I recommend it. Monday night went into town. Took in the sites a bit. Found a cool restaurant. Ate some good food. Wandering around the island was a bunch of fun. Listened to my MP3 player. Did whatever. Made plans for Tuesday.
Tuesday: Was pretty fun. Lots went on. In the morning, took my time, chilled out at breakfast at the boulangerie. Then I rented a motocyclette again. This time, on going back to Zebrabar, I diverted and went to the Parc Nationale de la Langue de Barbarie. Although totally not the season for it, I went to see the birds (something that Saint Louis is popular for, along with an international Jazz festival - happens in May though, unfortunately. That would have been awesome). Took a pirogue (a Senegalese boat) and went to go see the birds. Paid for a guide who was the President of the Communauté Locale responsible for the management of the national park. Along with a union of villages, these people clean up the park, take care of it, try to improve its image to tourists and also continue to live off of it (because it's where they live!). It was fantastic to see, and I applaud their efforts. The beach was noticeably more clean than that of beside the hotel where I'm staying.
(coastal beaches can often become the public toilet. Sad, perhaps, but true and necessary at times)
Guide, ride on pirogue, rented scooter (24 hrs), and entrance to park: 25 USD.
All in all, it was a fantastic day. Then the scooter got a flat, and I was way outside the city. 1 1/2 hrs later of walking, I took the other scooter the guy rents and used that instead until 11 am this morning.
. . .
Wed: this morning. Met up with Théo, a guy from France near the Switzerland border. Hung out with him for a bit (I had met up with him by chance yesterday). Talked about what we were respectively doing in Senegal. He on vacation had spent 1 month in the villages and 1 month outside them. I, well, I've been running around all over the place for the past 3 months, still have 3 months left, and am looking forward to seeing how it all pans out.
(plus, did I mention my sister's coming in 7 weeks? And my birthday's in 5?)
There is a crazy religious festival going on right now, and I would have left earlier today, but I didn't think anyone would really be leaving until after the prayers that have just happened (5 oclockish). The major bridge to the mainland has also been closed from 12 - 5 today as well. I'm just hoping that there will be some people going to Dakar in just a short little while.
But this morning I haggled for about 15 minutes over 10 cents and about 20 minutes for about $8 USD. Just, things have their relative price, and I no longer enjoy being taken. They were both fun things to do, and now I have one crazy pair of pants to show everyone. You want to talk about colour? The BiFall, a religious brotherhood of Islam here in Senegal, they wear crazy stuff. I'll have to show you guys some pictures (or point it out in the pics I took since none of them are too direct).
NEwho, so that's been my vacation. It's been great, and tonight, tomorrow, and part of Friday, I hope to be in Dakar. I'm back to work on Friday, debating attendance on Saturday to an intensely religious Islamic revéillée (or however that's spelled) that I was invited to, and then Sunday, I hope will be a last day of rest before running headlong into the next few weeks.
But there's both focus and variation in the upcoming month or so. We'll see how it all turns out. There's a lot of work to be done . . .
Hope you're all enjoying the fresh September air. Wish I were. I'm looking forward to the December shock that will be mine in about 3 months!
Monday, September 3, 2007
. . . when you're too in love to let it go, but if you never try you never know just what you're worth
When you break it down, besides all of the cultural stuff that I've had to work through, essentially, I'm realizing I'm (too?) in love with my culture, with my home. (that's odd, I never would have thought it to run so deeply, despite my love for a lot of things of my country)
I like to strike it out on my own, but I don't love it.
I love doing things on my own, but only for a time.
I love learning about a new culture, but only when I can keep at least something of my own.
See, I believe that I've had a lot to work through simply because I've never seen this time away as merely 6 months. Sure, that's what it is. Absolutely.
But it's not too. Because if I'm all about what I'm doing, it's what I will be doing. For a lot longer period of time.
My deepest blessing has become my greatest need and my hardest curse to break.
My community.
Composed of family and friends.
Knitted together by the familiar, by culture, by comfortable religious context.
The things is, my friends are slowly spreading themselves over the face of the earth. I am part of this process as well.
And community can be reformed and refound elsewhere.
God is everywhere (although here, that is hard to feel sometimes given the spiritual forces at work in this country).
Except, I have to be willing to do those things. To let go of my friends (in part, but never fully), to re-create community with people I don't know, to pray the presence of God into my experience here in Senegal.
Thus my time here, my work wherever, is all about calling.
This is why I was called here in the first place. To find my calling.
What people am I called to serve? My own? Or elsewhere?
. . .
I certainly haven't been terribly excited about dealing with a lot of the people in this culture. When I'm outside the villages (and even within them), it's pretty extractive. Demanding. It has everything to do with negotiation. Negotiation in order to survive.
What's hard for me is that I've never had to negotiate in order to survive. Life has simply been provided for. So when others do this with me, I get frustrated. It's interesting to think about, but pretty frustrating to deal with all the time.
I take it too personally, and yet then it's up to you not to say no too rudely. So, I dunno. I'm getting to a point sometimes where I just don't care. Words need to bounce off of me and execute themselves on the pavement. On the dirt roads. Otherwise, I might take it personally.
. . .
There are facinating Serere and Wolof cultures, amongst many others. Senegal is such a richly diverse country of many cultures.
In the villages, when and where relationships have slowly, subtly formed, I have begun to believe that perhaps all this is possible. That I might slowly find my place in it all.
But, ultimately, that question still remains. Is it the culture I am meant to speak to? Does my 'call' change my own perception, my own behaviour, my own attitude? Should it? Why does the 'call' make any difference anyways?
I am only hoping that God leads me to that place where my strengths are strong, my weaknesses weak, my efforts full, my energy hard to contain.
We're still working on it. I'm okay with that. I'm not making any fully formed decisions until later.
We're halfway through the process. It's been difficult; but it's been really good too. It keeps on going.
And so will my thoughts and my comments.
. . .
. . .
. . .
'Tears stream down your face when you lose something you can not replace . . . Tears stream down your face. I promise you I will learn from my mistakes. Tears stream down your face now.
. . .
Lights will guide you home. And ignite your bones.
And I will try to fix you.'
. . .
I like to strike it out on my own, but I don't love it.
I love doing things on my own, but only for a time.
I love learning about a new culture, but only when I can keep at least something of my own.
See, I believe that I've had a lot to work through simply because I've never seen this time away as merely 6 months. Sure, that's what it is. Absolutely.
But it's not too. Because if I'm all about what I'm doing, it's what I will be doing. For a lot longer period of time.
My deepest blessing has become my greatest need and my hardest curse to break.
My community.
Composed of family and friends.
Knitted together by the familiar, by culture, by comfortable religious context.
The things is, my friends are slowly spreading themselves over the face of the earth. I am part of this process as well.
And community can be reformed and refound elsewhere.
God is everywhere (although here, that is hard to feel sometimes given the spiritual forces at work in this country).
Except, I have to be willing to do those things. To let go of my friends (in part, but never fully), to re-create community with people I don't know, to pray the presence of God into my experience here in Senegal.
Thus my time here, my work wherever, is all about calling.
This is why I was called here in the first place. To find my calling.
What people am I called to serve? My own? Or elsewhere?
. . .
I certainly haven't been terribly excited about dealing with a lot of the people in this culture. When I'm outside the villages (and even within them), it's pretty extractive. Demanding. It has everything to do with negotiation. Negotiation in order to survive.
What's hard for me is that I've never had to negotiate in order to survive. Life has simply been provided for. So when others do this with me, I get frustrated. It's interesting to think about, but pretty frustrating to deal with all the time.
I take it too personally, and yet then it's up to you not to say no too rudely. So, I dunno. I'm getting to a point sometimes where I just don't care. Words need to bounce off of me and execute themselves on the pavement. On the dirt roads. Otherwise, I might take it personally.
. . .
There are facinating Serere and Wolof cultures, amongst many others. Senegal is such a richly diverse country of many cultures.
In the villages, when and where relationships have slowly, subtly formed, I have begun to believe that perhaps all this is possible. That I might slowly find my place in it all.
But, ultimately, that question still remains. Is it the culture I am meant to speak to? Does my 'call' change my own perception, my own behaviour, my own attitude? Should it? Why does the 'call' make any difference anyways?
I am only hoping that God leads me to that place where my strengths are strong, my weaknesses weak, my efforts full, my energy hard to contain.
We're still working on it. I'm okay with that. I'm not making any fully formed decisions until later.
We're halfway through the process. It's been difficult; but it's been really good too. It keeps on going.
And so will my thoughts and my comments.
. . .
. . .
. . .
'Tears stream down your face when you lose something you can not replace . . . Tears stream down your face. I promise you I will learn from my mistakes. Tears stream down your face now.
. . .
Lights will guide you home. And ignite your bones.
And I will try to fix you.'
. . .
Sunday, September 2, 2007
Thoughts and thanks
You know, so many of my blogs have a sort of negative spin on them. I guess so, at least.
So, this time, I'll try to relay some generally positive ideas, things to be thankful for.
1) I'm glad for a friend such as Anna who has been going through very similar things as me concerning her work and all the responsibilities, expectations revolving around it. She and I spent a lot of time hanging out this weekend in Saint Louis, and we had a number of really great chats.
2) I'm thankful for my week of vacation. Saint Louis is a beautiful city generally speaking. Lots of colour, some pretty decent people. A few things to do. Just as much, however, I am enjoying the hotel that I'm staying at. Depending on how long I live in this room tonight (I'm in the 'Biblioteque (that's not spelled correctly . . .) and they have an internet connection) I will post pictures.
3) I' m currently waiting for those pictures to post. The mosquitos, however, are terrible at the moment. I just spent 2 hours talking with friends. Waiting for my family to call. I am thankful for them all. Not thankful for the mosquitos.
4) Work has focus. Who knows exactly how it'll go, but it does have focus.
5) I have a great opportunity to process what it is I think I'm supposed to be doing with myself in doing this work. The internship is great for this. As I tell everyone, I won't really make a decision until I have all of my information in, until I've done the internship till the end and can make an end of term evaluation.
6) I'm thankful for really great books to read. Check out the Poisonwood Bible. Pretty interesting book, at least for those who have some 'development' or intercultural experience.
7) I'm thankful for movies that parents sent, and that I downloaded off the American family's computer.
8) I'm thankful for some random, good conversations with people on the street, even if they end up being for ulterior motives. Not always thankful, but yes, sometimes.
9) I'm thankful for my health, both in terms of avoiding malaria and other weird diseases up until present, but also health for my head till present. I haven't really had much in the way of headaches for the past 1 1/2 months or so, and it's great to be able to focus on my work instead of my head.
10) I'm really thankful for my music. My MP3 player is such an awesome instrument. It can turn alone time into really enjoyable moments to remember. I had a reminder of that while listening to my player today for a little while while walking around Saint Louis.
11) I'm thankful for little devotional booklets: The Today booklet has given me at least a brief starting point for devos at times, and I can hear the voice of my pastor through the daily write ups he wrote for the month of July. So, really good to have that.
12) I'm thankful for rest, and wisdom taught on how to integrate that rest, in the book of "The Rest of God". Really puts perspective on work vs rest.
Lastly, I'm thankful for your prayers. Thank you for your continual support. I don't hear it as much as I feel it (although I certainly hear it when I talk with good friends and family for hours on Skype!).
That's all for now, cause I gotta get away from the mosquitos (for which, I will too be thankful!)
Blessings
So, this time, I'll try to relay some generally positive ideas, things to be thankful for.
1) I'm glad for a friend such as Anna who has been going through very similar things as me concerning her work and all the responsibilities, expectations revolving around it. She and I spent a lot of time hanging out this weekend in Saint Louis, and we had a number of really great chats.
2) I'm thankful for my week of vacation. Saint Louis is a beautiful city generally speaking. Lots of colour, some pretty decent people. A few things to do. Just as much, however, I am enjoying the hotel that I'm staying at. Depending on how long I live in this room tonight (I'm in the 'Biblioteque (that's not spelled correctly . . .) and they have an internet connection) I will post pictures.
3) I' m currently waiting for those pictures to post. The mosquitos, however, are terrible at the moment. I just spent 2 hours talking with friends. Waiting for my family to call. I am thankful for them all. Not thankful for the mosquitos.
4) Work has focus. Who knows exactly how it'll go, but it does have focus.
5) I have a great opportunity to process what it is I think I'm supposed to be doing with myself in doing this work. The internship is great for this. As I tell everyone, I won't really make a decision until I have all of my information in, until I've done the internship till the end and can make an end of term evaluation.
6) I'm thankful for really great books to read. Check out the Poisonwood Bible. Pretty interesting book, at least for those who have some 'development' or intercultural experience.
7) I'm thankful for movies that parents sent, and that I downloaded off the American family's computer.
8) I'm thankful for some random, good conversations with people on the street, even if they end up being for ulterior motives. Not always thankful, but yes, sometimes.
9) I'm thankful for my health, both in terms of avoiding malaria and other weird diseases up until present, but also health for my head till present. I haven't really had much in the way of headaches for the past 1 1/2 months or so, and it's great to be able to focus on my work instead of my head.
10) I'm really thankful for my music. My MP3 player is such an awesome instrument. It can turn alone time into really enjoyable moments to remember. I had a reminder of that while listening to my player today for a little while while walking around Saint Louis.
11) I'm thankful for little devotional booklets: The Today booklet has given me at least a brief starting point for devos at times, and I can hear the voice of my pastor through the daily write ups he wrote for the month of July. So, really good to have that.
12) I'm thankful for rest, and wisdom taught on how to integrate that rest, in the book of "The Rest of God". Really puts perspective on work vs rest.
Lastly, I'm thankful for your prayers. Thank you for your continual support. I don't hear it as much as I feel it (although I certainly hear it when I talk with good friends and family for hours on Skype!).
That's all for now, cause I gotta get away from the mosquitos (for which, I will too be thankful!)
Blessings
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