Those are probably the two main questions I am asking right now, given my circumstances. When will the headaches both go away and stay away? When might I be able to go back? When will I know what the problem is, if there even is a problem? When will it get fixed if there is a problem?
Why do I have headaches? Is it just a matter of time before they go away? Why the disruption to the internship? Is there a reason behind it, or is it circumstantial. Frankly, as I've explained to many people before, I'm totally loving being back. I love winter, I'm loving this cold shock (again, I'm sitting inside and not working outside in it). Still, I love the deep freeze, and my excuse is that I still need to be careful with my body on some level. Can't always push, and can't push too hard. I also love reconnecting with friends, making plans (however shaky) to go snowboarding, to hit up a friend's cottage (less shaky, but would also be a testament to just how long it's taking to confirm my recovery as well as the longevity of my being back . . . boo).
All in all, though, despite the questions and frustrations that stem from that, here's what my thoughts are on the situation:
Right in this moment, I'm okay. I love being back, loving reconnecting (as previously stated). I also firmly believe that it's not always (just) a question of "it's part of God's plan." Frankly, to that, I say, "of course it is" At what point in the last 3 months have things not been a part of God's plan? So, for those that say it, I only believe you're stating what should be an obvious reality.
In the meantime, I'm slowly starting to like the way I feel I can keep on doing whatever it is God wants me to do wherever I am, whatever the circumstance. Just because things don't work out the way you expected doesn't mean you've lost the ability to live out the Gospel* in your current circumstance. That's what makes, for me at least, life so exciting: I'm realizing that you can live out the Gospel wherever you find yourself, and that, just in itself, makes living life exciting enough. I'll just keep 'living out the Gospel' here (as best as I know and am learning how) until I can live it out in another place. Really, it's only when things in life stop changing, when you stop looking for new ways to engage people spiritually, that life gets boring and somewhat purposeless. Again, at least for me. Since I'm not there yet with my being home, then I'm not worried for the moment.
All I know is that if the internship continues, and is extended for a few months as a result of the delay, I'm content. If the internship is canned, but continues a year from now, I'm content. If the internship is totally thrown out, I know I can find one with another organization next year anyways. And, if the internship doesn't continue, I can spend time working, paying off this giant nuisance called debt, and then, during this time, just think about whether or not to tackle an internship or perhaps pursue master's studies in the field of missions and development, wherever a program like that might exist.
Summary? Phil 4:11. Not that I truly believe I've arrived at that point, but I'm learning . . .
So, whatever. In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy the sparkling white stuff!
Bonne journée
*While not wanting to use coded words or statements, I realize that this point might sound bizarre to some, not really knowing how to understand what I mean. I'm also sure that my point is clear to many others, but really, all I'm trying to get at through the statement is probably an idea well captured by reformed theology (again, not to suggest other theologies haven't captured it - since I grew up in the CRC, it's purely a matter of circumstance that I identify the influence of reformed theology in my understandings of some things). It lends itself to the idea that anything and everything done in life, wherever you are, and whatever you're doing, can be done in such a way that people see evidence of Jesus' message to the world in those words or actions.
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3 comments:
absolutely
Consistent responding. Thanks. It's appreciated!
Hope you're surviving 'way' up there in Barrie. Enjoy the champagne yourself!
I, for one, am glad that you are back. It feels like there is some good learning going on, and I've enjoyed reconnecting and solidifying our friendship.
Speaking of good learning (and certainly, you will respond by private email), but expand for me the subject that made reading "The Last Word . . ." so helpful. You mentioned in a previous conversation that you shared some of the same questions, thoughts, struggles as the author. I would love to hear more (and if you've read Greg's email, hopefully we'll have a weekend to discuss these things too)
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