Hurting ears and the Jesus excuse

I like creating sort of bizarre titles. Perhaps they'll get people's attention.
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NEways, I guess it's been just a little while since I last posted. It's 8 pm, and I'm still at the office. I say that sounding proud, and then I realize that there are millions of people who do that every day . . . Just, sitting at a computer and thinking for about 9 - 10 hours, regardless of what people say, can still be tiring . . .
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My ears hurt, not because I have an infection but because I've been listening to my music almost non-stop during most of this day. Which has helped to motivate me through a lot of the reading and planning I've been doing. There's a song by Erika called 'I Don't Know' on the DanceFox Vol 1 cd that I received from the German couple that befriended me while I was tenting it on my own in Barcelona . . . I love how that sentence makes complete sense. Germans helping a Canadian. All are chilling out on the beaches of Barcelona . . . ah ha ha ha.

At any rate, things are slowly and very quickly piecing themselves together for the workshops. I've been spending the last few days trying to plan the Workshop Planning Days, to make sure things are addressed properly, completely, and efficiently.
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The second part of the title has a slighly deeper meaning. Much of my time in Senegal has been rough. I can be the first to admit it, but also the first to understand why. There are many reasons:
- Not letting go of my friends (but knowing now that we're all moving on and that when I come back home, I'm no longer expecting things to be the same even while they will still be).
- Not really taking to 'agriculture' as much as I might have thought. This is still an ongoing thought process. Environment, yes. Agriculture? Not sure. But, the major question remaining is, Was it because I had no idea what I was doing that I don't like I like agriculture? Or is it the opposite? That because I'm not so keen on agriculture, I didn't know what I was doing and therefore didn't enjoy my time as well as I could have? Mind you, there's a lot to be said for not having designed my village visits well at all. I feel I should have known, but apparently and obviously did not. Oh well. That dimension would have helped everything. But, at least I got to learn the lesson.
- I've had a hard time connecting with the people that live here. That's odd, overall. I think there's something to be said here. I've connected well with the ex-pats, and a few people from whom I buy my groceries. And some of the youth of the Roman Catholic church that I rarely go to. But, still, I've found ways to fill the gaps, and travling over the weekends has been one of the ways. Mostly to get away from Fatick or to visit an ex-pat or chill in Dakar. I've really enjoyed this aspect of my time here, however, and it made a huge difference to everything by about early August.

But, these reasons to the side, here's the more major reason why it was rough: I wasn't able to see how my work matched my calling. While it's still not defined, the point finally drove itself home one day. I'm not sure entirely how, but it did.

It's not really going to be about what I'm doing as much as what I'm doing with what I'm doing. Get it? So, knowing whether I like agriculture versus the environment is important yes. But, what I was ignoring or refusing to give myself over to was this: no matter where I am, I am still able to serve the Lord. Obvious, eh? But, don't use the line 'I need to be serving the Lord according to my call' as an excuse not to work . . .

If you could see it, most of the issues I've been struggling with have a lot to do with personal pride and selfish greed. I think. Can't let go of my money. Can't simply take the time to listen to people, come along side them, come along the poor for fear of having to live like them.

Just, I have to start learning to do this wherever I am because is it just going to go away when I go home to Canada? It will if I revert to the boredom that repulsed me away from my country in the first place. And I can't go back to that. Don't really want to.

So, either I start living 'on the edge between light and darkness' (where all Christians should be striving to be near or moving towards) in Canada or abroad. I'm down with either, but I have to stop being comfortable. And I have to start working . . . life isn't really what it used to be. i.e. I'm not in school anymore. aha ha ha.

So, if I'm unwilling to think, unwilling to apply myself, unwilling to go into uncomfortable places, unwilling to see Jesus where he is active in every corner of the world do that in every aspect of my living, nothing will be fulfilling. Because at certain points, work is simply work. Parts of it are cool. Other parts suck. They're just work. So, thinking that because I don't like my work in some ways that therefore I'm not fulfilling my 'call' is, I think I'm learning, wrong.

I do still need to figure out what specific aspect of development I'm most passionate about. This will help. But, I'm more sure now than before that it is in development. Just, not necessarily agriculture . . . And regardless, this doesn't give me the excuse to not work.

The other dimension in all of this is me being willing to accept that, really, I don't think I want to link myself to a 'mission board' because then you get caught up in doctrinal and denominational squabblings. If I'm not linked to a denomination, then it becomes merely about sharing the gospel, not sharing the gospel according to the CRCers, the SoBaps, the Presbys, or the Lutherians. I just have no interest in getting caught up in that.

Development has it's own squabblings, but when I talk with people that I meet around the world, it won't have as much to do with whether we think Jesus wants us to submerge or sprinkle when baptizing. Just, that I'm trying to bring people to the point where they're willing to be baptized. That's seems a more exciting thing to be focusing on.

Oh, and if I don't want to think, I guess I can just go to the nearby KFC or McDonalds and work there . . .

Oh, and of course, yes, this post is all about my thoughts. Again. Sorry. And not that clear. I know. Oh well. Sorry. Just think about it . . .