This is your life; are you who you want to be?

That’s probably the biggest question I’m debating right now. Wondering about my work, about my experience here in Senegal.

I mean, things are just dandy here in the city. I just find the villages another story, because they represent a work that while I want to be good at, I'm still learning, and so it ends up being harder than I want it to be.

I realize that my mind changes a lot when it’s under stress. There was a time when I would have completely denied that that would happen; my mind, it would seem, is beginning to change.

As you might know, I spent this week out of the village. Sort of cracked at the end of the 6 weeks that I had been running through. The problem that I’m only beginning to recognize now is that I’ve been looking at my work as more a time to try to unearth some sort of revelatory new truth than as a time to simply learn about a different way of life, a different people group.

If I went in just desiring to learn, not judging every discussion as failure v.s. success, I’m sure my experience of the past 6 weeks would be significantly more relaxed. As it has been, I’ve been too caught up in trying to learn something big instead of just trying to learn. The experience has not been very fun at all, just a block of frustration, confusion, questioning, and disappointment (at my own inability to let it all go).

I am my worst judge, and most people know it except me.

Thus I left the villages alone this week. Stopped to think, stopped to re-evaluate. Stopped to pray. And the pray some more. Because if I can’t turn it around, I’ll still be thinking ‘success v.s. failure’ thoughts as I go into the villages a second time. And it has nothing to do with that.

. . .

There is a part of me that yearns very strongly for people to be willing to act, to be willing to change. However, if this internship teaches me anything at all, I can at least understand their resistance to change. Resisting is an action I’ve been doing a lot over these past 6 weeks despite myself. Resisting to come along side of them. Resisting to spend time. Wanting to, but finding it incredibly difficult. Because it requires . . . change.

Actually, more accurately, it requires me to spend time getting to know people. But, I’ve been trying to ‘accomplish’ something, trying to ‘convince’ people almost of something that needs changing. And it’s kept me from getting to know them first. It’s an odd problem. Work before relationships “because I don’t have enough time”. Yet, sacrificing relationships inevitably leads to sacrificed work.

I have to figure out whether to try to discuss issues with them these coming weeks or merely spend time with them.

. . .

So what legitimacy do I have before them? How then do I expect them to concern themselves with ‘environment’ and its ‘maintenance’, a concept and practice so elusive than even those of us in the ‘North’ refuse to practice it as we ought. Even us, who by all means have every means available to do something about it. And we give the same excuse as they do: “We don’t have the means”. We just say it differently back home.

I just don’t think any of us care enough about it. But it’s disappointing even more to hear it from people here. Because while we can ignore it back home (unfortunately, only for so much more longer – the lie is ours to believe), here, they truly can’t. The impacts are both immediate and severe.

. . .

I think too much.
. . .
One of these days I’m gonna make myself think less and act more.
. . .

It’s been a good break out of the villages at any rate. I’m not sure where I’m taking these next 4 village visits. There are so many thoughts in my head.

I think all I’m gonna do is try to hang out with them, spend time with them. Try to learn about what they do. If I can let myself.

And encourage them, when and where I can, to consider the preservation of the environment as a concern that needs to take a higher priority in their lives.

We’ll see. After these village visits, there are workshops. And in the end, it might simply be these workshops that give the clues we’re looking for.